neverstudied | Victory Road IC Inbox

Ah-huh.

What else did your mind wander to tonight?

[Not outright accusing him of lying, but the implication is there. Though Venkman'll accept it if Egon tells him the truth and continues to pretend the two thoughts are unrelated.]

[Another pause.]

Well, mostly about what specific circumstances allowed the unidentified lichen to thrive in this environment as opposed to others.

[Which is actually true.]

I considered several factors--hostile environment, proximity to other organisms, favorable resources. So on and so forth.

....

I supposed it might have led me to consider what circumstances allowed me to be here with Ray, Winston, and you.

[Venkman is almost about to make an irritated comment dismissing the lichen before Egon returns to the actual heart of the matter. He nods, hoping that'll be enough to prod Egon into continuing.]

[It takes a while for Egon to muster up the words to really convey how he's feeling, and even as he speaks, it's clear that he's struggling to tell more than he has to.]

Thinking about what might have happened--what I may have become as a result of external factors--leaves me...unsettled, to say the least.

[...

Egon lets out a deep sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut. He looks--and sounds--frustrated.]

This is silly. These are all things that have already happened, and thus I should not bother myself with thinking about them.

[Immediately:]

It's not silly. It's human.

[Though the terms are far from mutually exclusive. His grip on Egon's hand had begun to slacken, but now he squeezes Egon's hand in his own.]

... You know I think about the same things more than I probably should. But it's not a wrong thing to do. Even if there's nothing we can do to change what made us who we are. Looking back at why we do certain things, it's important.

What're you unsettled about in particular?

[Egon gently squeezes Venkman's hand back, though he still looks somewhat perturbed.]

I believe it is a combination of factors. In another lifetime, I may have been able to accomplish much more had I not been "distracted" in my studies.

[Throughout all this, despite the subject at hand, Egon has maintained his clinical and dry-cut speech patterns. Whether or not he's doing this out of reflex or to shield his own emotions is...uncertain. But when he says "distracted", there's a hint of underlying venom that accompanies the word.]

And yet I find myself, for the lack of a better word, enjoying my current endeavors much more than if I had maintained my prior trajectory. But prioritizing happiness over scientific merit is-- [....] --it is something I have...been taught to look down upon for quite some time.

I know, man. But- y'know, fuck that. Fuck that and everyone who taught you otherwise. You deserve to be happy now, with your studies, parapsychology, all the shit you and Ray design and build, in this dimension, with- us.

[His voice falters slightly on the last word, but he recovers quickly.]

In another lifetime- probably thousands of lifetimes- I never grew outta being a shitty frat jock. And in another lifetime, you coulda been a carbon copy of your dad. But neither of those are us now.

[Egon notices that hitch in Venkman's sentence, and he raises an eyebrow ever so slightly. He meets Venkman's eyes for a moment, but doesn't address it.

He seems to tense slightly at the mention of his father, but, again, doesn't address it.]

I suppose you're right.

[Though there's definite hesitation behind his words.]

It just feels...odd.

...

Us?

Believe me, I get it. I-

[Ah, hell.

Venkman hesitates before answering, attempting to sound nonchalant while choosing each word carefully.]

... I know you'd prefer to be with the "us" from your dimension, that's all. I'm- sorry you can't have that.

[Egon just stares at Venkman for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing together.]

What? I never expressed that sentiment before. Nor was I thinking about it. I've come to accept and appreciate this dimension as it is.

[His tone isn't derisive, but it's not...friendly, either. Maybe it's from the tension from earlier.]

Is this related to your earlier issues?

[It's not accusatory, but if Venkman takes it as such....]

[Venkman visibly flinches at that, and he lets go of Egon's hand without thinking.]

Yeah. My issues, sorry. My bad for bringing them up.

[He grimaces, and doesn't quite meet Egon's eyes again.]

Anyway, my point was that you're doing a hell of a lot better than you could be. No matter what your family and upbringing might say.

[His tone is somewhat more brusque than before, though he still means every word.]

[Egon blinks, a little startled. He knows he's done something, but it takes a moment or two before he realizes what he's done.]

I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to--to imply--

[God, he sucks at doing this. He feels like he was just thrown off a helicopter into the middle of the ocean and left to tread water.]

I'm sorry.

[A little too sharply:]

It's fine. ... [He exhales slowly, and his tone evens out.] It's fine, Spengler. You didn't- I know you didn't mean anything by it.

[And he does know that, he's had years to get used to it, but fuck if it isn't difficult to deal with at times.]

I thought, with you being worried about Winston when he first got here- whatever. I was wrong.

[Egon lapses into silence, not willing to push the matter immediately. He knits his hands together, staring into the darkness that seems to stretch on for miles in the cave.

After a few moments, he quietly says:]

Do you remember when we finally met each other at the Goldenrod train station?

[He's going somewhere with this, just...yeah.]

[Venkman blinks, startled, before narrowing his eyes.]

... Yeah. 'Course I do. Why?

[Egon pauses for what feels like an eternity.]

I was unwilling to say so at the time, but...I was incredibly apprehensive about meeting you in person. I wasn't sure if you would react favorably.

[He says this with a great sense of reluctance. The only other person he even considered telling was his, well, journal, and that doesn't really count. And even though they technically met before, that was with weird body swapping.]

I probably should have confided with you at the time you expressed your previous concerns, but I didn't think my--I didn't think it was relevant.

[He didn't think his own feelings on the matter was relevant.]

Edited 2019-09-11 02:35 (UTC)

Ah.

[He stares holes into the ground as he digests this piece of information.]

I- assumed you were probably nervous, but I didn't know for sure- can't always tell with you.

I was about to go absolutely crazy, personally. Waiting to meet you again.

I find it difficult to express certain thoughts I find irrelevant. [Egon shakes his head ever so slightly.] I'm sure you've grown accustomed to it by now.

[He's not sure if he's getting anywhere with this. Egon turns to look at Venkman, raising an eyebrow.]

I'm sorry for making you wait.

I know. And- that's not your fault.

[Venkman finally glances over to meet Egon's eyes again.]

... God, why are we both so terrible at this?

...

[He lets out a quiet noise that sounds like a half-snort, half-scoff.]

It would be easy to point a finger towards absent and/or negligent parents.

[He says it in an almost humorous tone.

Almost.

Egon reaches out and gently takes Venkman's hand again, threading his fingers between his partner's.]

Perhaps that is something we need to work on.

Hey, that's definitely at least, like, a fourth of it.

[He takes the hand without complaint, squeezing it gently, and leans closer to Egon- not quite leaning against him, yet, but close.]

Fifteen years to work on it, and not a lot of progress made. Still. We were worse in college.

We've had other priorities during those fifteen years.

[...He's just realizing it's a little strange that they've been talking in a relatively dark tunnel this whole time, but it's fine.]

Besides, we haven't exactly been in a position to see a marriage counselor for a variety of reasons.

[Is Egon Spengler...making a joke???]

Edited 2019-09-11 05:05 (UTC)

[Venkman snorts, shaking his head.]

Hell of an idea. That'd probably end in disaster, both in this dimension and back home. I think I'd prefer any potential consequences in this place to our dimensions, though.

Either way, not like we're married in the first place.

[He goes predictably quiet after that.]

[Egon looks away from Venkman.]

I suppose not, no.

[Egon doesn't think to comment any further than that. As far as he's concerned, there's nothing to comment on. This is a conversation that should wait until later, when they're not trying to fumble their way out of their conversations with all the emotional maturity of schoolchildren.

....

Dammit.]

I admit, I never used to have much of an opinion on marriage. I suppose I never had a big enough sample size to draw any sort of happy conclusion from it.

The idea's grown on me, I guess. Maybe not the whole big ceremony of it, the- parading of our- of lives out in front of everyone. But the concept- I dunno. I like... [A beat. He breathes in, slowly. Out, slower.] There's something about the permanence of it- not really permanent, I know, divorce is obviously a thing, but the commitment of it- the fact that someone could look at my hand and know that someone- loves me, I guess, without knowing anything else about me.

[He looks vaguely uncomfortable even putting it into words, but Egon probably deserves to hear this. Even if he won't know what to say about it.]

There's something about that that I can't really give up on. Even back in New York. I knew it wouldn't really be possible. Closest thing would've been getting hitched to Dana and us really pushing the beard thing, but then there'd probably be unnecessary media attention, and neither of us really wanted to go through with it. Either someone- or someones- we really loved, or not at all.

It's stupid. But I couldn't give up on it, then, and I can't- I can't, now. Not when it's...

[Possible. Plausible. Doable.]

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